Free things in life…
Happy Jig Dance
No eye blink contests
and the smile of being in LOVE!
I find that the most profound things in our lives are FREE!
Today while smiling back and forth with my girl Paloma it hit me that I’m so fortunate to experience the LOVE of a child. Just that and nothing more is HUGE! Ya know? I find that this kind of love is VERY healing and nourishing. It’s the kind of healing that doesn’t come with juicing and taking vitamins, herbs and rest. Nope. It’s ALL on it’s own!
Sometimes I wish that she would’ve arrived sooner in my life. BUT she is here now. I look forward to all the walks in the park, hikes in the forests, the gathering of pine cones, sandcastles on the beach, hide and go seeks. Who knows maybe she’ll enjoy chopping wood with William and he can show her how to play guitar and teach her the name of stars. He can also show her how to wear a tutu.
Okay, I admit, I didn’t do a HUGE research on vaccine’s. I did read SOME of what people suggested to check out. Besides the fact that she has to have it prior to school, pretty much settled it for us. BUT someone posted a picture on Facebook that scared the crap out of me. It was a picture of children who weren’t treated. It looked like they had Leprosy.
Paloma had her vaccines yesterday. William held her while I waited outside. I couldn’t bear it. They gave her 3 shots in her thigh and 1 to swollow. It was all done in about 1 minute or less. I held her afterwards and she was calm. I have a feeling this little girl is going to be tough. We took her back home and she slept most of the day.
It’s day 2 now. I’ve been waiting to see any reaction and so far nothing. I did however, notice her cheeks looking swollen, but I think she’s just chubby. She sat up in her high chair and played with a toy that plays the french song “Frarajaca”. I love that tune. Everyone in the house is singing it to her. “Frarajaca, Frarajaca, dor me vu, dor me vu, sema lema tina, sema lema tina, ding dong ding, ding dong ding.” I have no idea if that’s how it goes but something like that.
I went to the dentist today and the verdict is…I need FULL DENTURES!! Ha! Just pulling your leg. But…I do have sensitive and receding gums from brushing too hard. I almost started a blog about tooth decay, but I know that would start a full on controversy and we just can’t have that. So don’t mind me over here…I’m just gonna keep on eating my home made caramels, see if I can get a jump start on those full dentures.
I feel like it’s spring, but when I’m outside I feel like it’s winter. This has a CRAZY effect on the body/mind. So my body wanted to make a cake, or at least I was thinking “I feel like making a chocolate cake today”. Then I thought, “well, maybe I can make the kind of cake that has no flour, no sugar and no butter”. Because after all I am trying to loose weight. Then I said to myself “self, how about just buy some dark chocolate that already has all the good for you ingredients”. Then I was brainstorming…”I could go and get vegetables and make a stir-fry and completely forget about this chocolate craving”. While I was walking into Lowes today to get paint for the walls….I was still having a dialogue with myself. “Don’t be so hard on yourself Saph, enjoy life! ENJOY THE MOMENT! …and just at THAT moment I saw what totally decided it for me. GIRL SCOUTS!!! They were selling cookies outside of Lowes. I walked directly to the table like a woman on a mission. The girls behind the table were incredibly sweet, one of them admired my purse. Her cheeks were bright red from standing in the cold. Just for a second I justified my impulse with…”afterall Saph, they only come around once a year”. I bought my FAVORITE thin mints. Ugh….
I had the cookies in my hand, but still had to shop and get the paint. For some reason, just knowing I had those cookies put a spring in my step. Well, after I returned to the car, I tore into the cookies like I hadn’t eaten in days. Bad mistake. I told myself “don’t read the ingredients, just enjoy, be happy, smile and ONLY eat one more!” I’m happy to say that I DID save a few for my family. Thank you God, Girl Scout cookies only come around for a short while once a year!! Yeahaaa…I probably will still make that sugar free, flour free, egg free, butter free chocolate cake soon. I’ve made one in the past in my vegan days, that wasn’t all that bad actually. It had applesauce in it instead of sugar. I can’t find the recipe now…if you have one, please feel free to send it.
Here’s the problem…for me I have a wicked twin sister inside myself and SHE is very naughty. BUT…she’s the FUN sister.
I’m enjoying writing these blog entries. It’s pretty weird that I’m feeling confident to do so. I just figure WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOSE? Um….just about everything! There are days when I just want to lay it ALL out. I want to start a revolution! I want to REALLY free myself from the things I hold inside. I think that’s why for me songwriting is a great outlet. I can put into music what my soul feels. I believe that music has a way of opening everyone up!
One day I met this person who told me they didn’t like music. I put myself in their shoes and tried intensely to imagine what that must feel like….to NOT like music. I couldn’t understand. I absolutely couldn’t try and block it out. “What do you mean you don’t like or listen to music”…”what planet did you come from?”. There are days I don’t listen to music and enjoy just listening to silence or the hum of everyday life. BUT eventually I know I’ll be cranking up the tunes…Iron Maiden, Def Leopard, Kiss, Twisted Sister…because that’s how I roll. If you know me, you’ll be laughing. Actually those bands aren’t all that bad.
Recently Ron Doering (that’s me with him last year, pictured above) contacted me and wanted to do a “Saphron” project. He’s sent me music via his ipod and I exchange ideas and record stuff on top of it. Pretty cool considering he’s sitting under a thatched roof in Yelapa, Mexico and I’m sitting in snow about 3,000 miles away. Ron was married to my mom for about 16 years and is an extraordinary songwriter. He influenced me to listen to bossa and latin jazz beats. BUT…back to this revolution thing. It’s ALREADY started with these ipads and Garage Band apps. It’s like whatever you can imagine, you can create! I love that. IMAGINE IT, CREATE IT!
Thanks Dr. Winstrom. My new mantra.
I think I did have a plan at one point. It’s gone now. I think I like that. I thought I was living in the moment before. Now I really am. Each day comes and I know there will be lots of love. I can at least guarantee and plan on that.
Whenever I loose my cool..I hardly do, because I’m perfect, but now a days…all I have to do is hold my little girl and see I am okay without a plan. I guess I have a routine every day, but I also like the non routine…something different every day. Like today, I put on BLUE eyeshadow and wore one of my favorite turquoise necklaces. I’m not going anywhere. But I look good!!! Who knows, maybe someone will stop over for bisquits and tea.
This is one boring blog…oh well, you can’t win ’em all.
I will admit, it’s been just about 7 months since I’ve worked and I’m getting that itch that I “NEED TO BE DOING SOMETHING!!”. Why is it that I feel being a mother is not enough? That’s cray. It must be from ALL the years that I’ve seen women work and also raise a child. My mother did. I just can’t fake it though….I have to have a plan! Why? I do wonder though why do we as women, (because I don’t think I’m alone in this), think that mothering isn’t enough? We HAVE to be doing SOMETHING else!!! I understand though single women without partners need to work and support their children. Of course I miss teaching YOGA!!! What I miss the most is interacting with people and talking about cool things like feet and hands. BUT I also miss my weekly Saturday music gig at Lake Austin Spa. Maybe I miss the wildflowers.
I’ll leave you with a quote :
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.” ~ Horace
Watching Paloma sleep is the best thing! It’s so incredibly soothing to me. My little round faced baby. I scan her face and see myself at times. She has a dimple in her chin or also called a cleft chin. As I study her face and feel how much she is like an angel to me…I remember my day today. The woman who has 4 girls and wants another baby.
I met this woman from an ad that I posted on Craigslist. I was selling my bassinet because Paloma has outgrown it. She came over to pick it up. It was obvious she wan’t pregnant. So I asked her, “I guess you’re not buying this for yourself”. She said “actually, yes, I threw away my birth control 2 days ago…my husband and I want another baby”. I asked “how many do you have?”, she said “4 girls”. I smiled huge in disbelief. To myself I was thinking…”how does someone raise 5 children?” Just this one little girl of mine seems like plenty. I felt a little exhausted for her just thinking about what her days are like. However, she was very peppy and energetic, so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for her. She went off on her way….I thought as she was leaving…”now, that is a prepared person…organizing and getting the things she needs for her nest”. Cute!
Tonight I rock my “one” baby to sleep…I kiss her soft lips and admire her “smallness”. Dang…she is SMALL!
I put her to sleep in the bed that William assembled today that took him about an hour to put together.
I see that we too have a little nest, with our little things and our VERY BIG LOVE!!!!
Alright, I’m not vain…really…I don’t think that I am. But fitting into my clothes before I became pregnant is starting to get to me. I have some clothes that I STILL can’t fit into. I’m still wearing my maternity clothes. It’s been 3 months now. I’m giving myself time to get back into shape and NOT freaking out…much. I went to have a pedicure the other day and the woman working on my feet asked me if I was PREGNANT!!! I nodded my head and said, “I just had a baby”. She didn’t speak English very well and asked me “how far along you?” I realized she must’ve thought I said “I’m having a baby”. Oh we’ll….
I honestly haven’t been practicing yoga much. Not until about 2 weeks ago. I plum just didn’t feel like it!! My belly felt hollow. Having this child, for me, was a challenge just about as hard as climbing Mt Everest. I can only imagine. It took every ounce of MY being.
So…getting back to my activities I used to do like yoga…I’m actually excited about it again. I’m back to practicing shoulder stand daily and shavasana (deep relaxation). Hey, ya know that yoga stuff is pretty AMAZING!! I’m being very sensitive to my body and not just making it do what I used to. To do shoulderstand for the first time I used a chair. Because I still am carrying extra weight, my breathing is so much more compromised. But when I actually got up there, I realized how great it felt! Wow, old friend I have missed you. AND deep relaxation….oh…now that is spectacular! I awake feeling refreshed and brand new.
I probably will never weigh what I used to, middle age setting in and whoa my metabolism is slowing down. But shoot…I’m open to possibilities. I just don’t think I’m willing to give up half and half in my coffee….and then there’s my cake and pie addiction.
So many decisions to make that I now have to consider my baby girl. One thing that freaks me out a little is getting Paloma vaccinated. She’s due…overdue. I’ve been stalling cuz I haven’t been sure. William is all for it. So as parents we compromise and do what we “think” is best. I put out a message to the best mama’s I know and received some great information to help me decide.
Then the question of babysitting. For now I am able to be her full time caregiver. Whenever that changes finding someone BESIDES our family members to watch her doesn’t seem like what we need to do. I know…I’ve had my share of babysitting horror stories that I endured myself. Oh no…I am going to be one of THOSE kind of moms. I hope I’m not too over protective.
I feel like I belong to her. Like we belong together. How odd that for half of my life I never had this planned. How grateful I am that I am able to let go of my past reasons and take all of her love IN!! ….and give her ALL the love I have. I’m sure I won’t be making all the “right” decisions for her…until she’s old enough to make her own, BUT I will be sure to wake up each day, smile and laugh with her and hug her like a MAD WOMAN!!
“Love begins by taking care of the closest ones…the ones at home”. – Mother Teresa
Ya know writing is so therapeutic. My sister calls it “medicine”, she’s right. I wished that she told me sooner before this picture of me was taken in one of my fits.
I don’t know what happened to me when I was pregnant, but a crazy woman took my body hostage. I would have some rage fits. This is so unlike me, so I know it was the increase of hormones. BUT it was not pleasant. Especially for the people closest to me. Poor William. On a warm sunny day in Elgin, Texas I had an ‘out of body’ experience. Not the ‘out of body’ experience people get when they are high from dancing, meditating or praying. As a human being, we have many facets, right? Well I found a side of me that can turn into the Incredible Hulk. An incident caused me to react in a way where I stormed INTO the kitchen and kicked a hole IN THE WALL!!! I opened all the cabinets and slammed them shut, pretty sure the neighbors heard it. I was on fire! The next day I woke up with a sore foot, but I forgot what caused it.
On another day…again something set me off. I picked up furniture ( keep the image of a crazy 5 month pregnant woman in your head ) , an armoire actually…full of clothes and things and I hurled it across the room!!! Yes I did. I went looking for the next heavy object to pick up and throw. My adrenaline was pumping and my face red. Sure, I knew all kinds of relaxing techniques. BUT I was feeding off this crazy fire inside of me and rearranging furniture at warp speed. I thought maybe this could be a good thing. Uh,…no!
I read about this woman who ran over her husband when she was pregnant. So, I’m wondering if postpartum depression exists while BEING pregnant? Usually I’ve heard stories about women AFTER they have given birth. There must be something they call it besides “oh, honey…you’ve just got pregnancy brain is all”. This felt more like a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Why don’t people talk about this? I’ve heard people say, “make sure you’re happy while you’re pregnant because the baby feels that”. I was freaked out Paloma was going to come out with a samurai sword.
Anyhow..I’m still awkward post birth. You’ll find me saying…”well, I was pregnant, excuse me for behaving badly!”. Gotta go now and find that book Sharon Moon gave me, “A Return To Love” and read it while sitting in the hot tub!
I have absolutely NO idea what I was doing or thinking when this photo of me was taken.
Probably, secretly wanted to be Madonna!
My uncle Steve took it. He’s an amazing photographer, ya know him?
I think I was about 23 years old.
Maybe I just finished my adventure of living in Bellingham, Washington.
I’m pretty sure I wanted to start my own “Charlie’s Angels”.
No one told me I couldn’t.
I hadn’t gone to Damascus, Syria YET not until 5 years later.
I sold my pet rock collection and had a boyfriend that looked like Joey Lawrence.
My friend Serene always called me to say “Shatate Shamowee”.
I’m pretty sure I was driving a 1955 Rocket 88 Oldsmobile….or maybe I had the mustard poop yellow Datsun B210.
My friend Dave always told me “I can’t wait til tomorrow” and I’d ask “why”, he said… “cuz I get better lookin’ everyday!”
People always told me I was gullible. I didn’t really know what that word meant. I thought it had to do with liking turkeys.
I think my sister Jade was dying her hair RED or wearing wigs and showing up to Tucson high school in a prom dress.
She WAS Madonna!